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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

First Chapter of No Regrets

Chapter One
      “Take a deep breath.” I told myself after zoning out. My mouth was dry, my joints stiff, and my voice seemed to have turned off. Was I imagining things? This could not be real, she would never do anything like this, would she? No. She wouldn't. This had to be a joke, all those prank calls I have received from Joshua just seemed like jokes. But maybe this one was real, his voice almost sounded like he didn't care. He kept telling me over and over again to believe him and that I should iron my funeral dress like it was a joke.        
“Capri? Are you there? I am not kidding.” Joshua said into the phone. I was surprised I was still holding it to my ear, my fingers were frozen in place.
  “You're lying.” I manage to spit out, my tongue a giant lump in my mouth.
“I am not. She really did it, Capri.”
I licked my lips, the taste of thin mints girl scout cookies chap stick tingled on my tongue. This wasn't happening. Adalia's face danced in my head, laughing, her mouth opened to speak but then she vanished.
“She told me she was going to...that you...she did it.” I couldn't quite get the words out, they got stuck in my throat and I sputtered out what got through the clog.
“Yup. So iron your funeral dress. Adalia is gone.”
“You are sick.” I said before hanging up on him. I texted Adalia.
You say: Adalia, please tell me Joshua is joking around, you are still there...right?
It seemed like I waited an eternity for an answer, but nothing came. My phone was silent, everything was silent like the world had stopped turning. I felt like I was going to throw up, I wanted to escape, run away to somewhere far away where nobody could see or talk to me again. I ran straight for the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. So much for the steak I had for dinner that night.
“Capri? Are you ok?” My mom called from downstairs. When I didn't answer mom ran up stairs, when she saw me hunched over the toilet she immediately started to freak out. “What happened? Are you sick? Do you need to see a doctor? Maybe its the flu...or pneumonia...what side effects come with pneumonia?” I stared up at my mom with watery eyes then threw up again, tears and food making a nasty mix in the toilet.
“Adalia...” Was all I could get out. My phone started ringing again. Joshua. I answered. “What? Are you going to torture me more about what happened? You didn't get enough? She was my best friend and here you are making fun of it...” a sob escaped and my phone clattered to the ground.
“Capri, whats going on?” My mom asked with that concerned motherly tone. I held my knees to my chest and stared at the phone as the call ended and Joshua hung up.
“Adalia mom. She's gone. Shes...dead.” I whispered the last word.
“What? How? What happened...oh Capri... I am so sorry.”
“It's not your fault mom. You didn't do anything...” Mom wrapped me in a tight hug. Tears spilled onto her shoulder from my eyes. We were silent for a long time before mom spoke again.
“What happened?” She asked calmly, still holding onto me. She ran her fingers through my hair. I licked my lips again, the smell of mint stuffing up my nose.
“She took her life, mom.” I muttered. I could feel mom holding her breath. Her smiling face was still in my head, sparkling eyes, perfect auburn hair. If my life were a movie I knew what song would be playing right now. Angels On the Moon by Thriving Ivory. And the camera would circle us, expressions displaying everything. The story written on my face. Lyrics running through my head. Mom pulled back, looked me in the face and wiped a tear from my cheek.
“Capri, I have never been in a situation like this, but if you need anything, I am always here for you. Maybe you want to talk to someone professional. I don't know. I am here for you, Honey.” I wanted to smile at her and tell her how much I appreciate her and how much I am happy she is my mom but I just can't open my mouth. Soft tears caressed my lips and landed on my shirt. I sat on the toilet and stared at the picture on the wall. A picture of a boy and a girl sitting on a log staring out onto a lake with a large summer house on the other side. The girl wore a white dress and the boy wore a suit. I couldn't see their faces but whenever I looked at the picture I wondered what the artist was thinking when they drew this. Maybe it was someone old, close to death and trying to find a peaceful place. Maybe it was someone dreaming to escape. A small signature was in the right bottom corner but no matter how long I studied it I couldn't make out what it said.
Mom sat beside the toilet, holding my hand. She stayed like that with me for what seemed like hours. Staring at that picture, wondering who painted that picture and what they were thinking at the time. Everything froze around me, my phone bleating out, me ignoring it, the world turning slowly, the sun going down and rising in array of pinks and oranges.
The left side of my face was cold and numb, my legs were pressed against the hard tile and my body was covered in sweat. I blinked rapidly before I could see clearly that I had fallen asleep in the bathroom. Naiara stood silently at the door staring at me.
“What are you doing, Capri? Your bed is not in there silly.” A pink wig sat on her head and spilled over her shoulders. I kept my head on the toilet seat, I just stared back with nothing to say. She walked in and sat next to me, her princess dress poofing above the floor.
“Are you sad?” She asked playing with her fake hair. My eyes traced down her arm to the Dora The Explorer Band-aid. She covered it with her hand. “You aren't crying about me are you? I don't like it when you do that.” Naiara stood up and left but soon returned with a mirror, putting it in my face. “Your eyes are all puffy and your hair is a mess. Will you play princess with me and I can make you pretty?” Her small voice echoed. I stared back at my reflection. Naiara's hint that I look like crap was quite accurate.
“Not right now, Nai.”
She shrugged her shoulders and left the bathroom and I was alone again. I stood up and stared at my reflection, touching my hip bones I thought of what Adalia would be saying right now, “We need to fatten you up! Eat lots of hamburgers with me?” She would repeatedly ask until I agreed to one. I climbed up onto the counter, so close the mirror fogged up from my breath. A tear fell. Then another. And one more. I could fill a cup with tears and sell them to an actress who really had no reason to cry. I wish I was an actress with no reason to cry. I pulled my hair up into a pony tail, put on some sneakers and still dressed in my pajamas went down to the garage. The morning Utah air was crisp and dry. I powered on the treadmill and started at a full run. Soon blood was pounding in my ears and a soft sweet song slipped out of my lips. My Immortal by Evanescence.
“I'm so tired of being here, Suppressed by all my childish fears, And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, 'Cause your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone, These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real, There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried I wiped away all of your tears, when you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears, I held your hand through all of these years.” I jumped off the treadmill, curled on the floor and let her sweet voice haunt me. Let her sweet voice remind me of what I had lost. Her singing stung me all over, cut into my soft skin and left me bleeding on the floor. Cold sweat trickled down my face and made a home on my chest. Adalia's face danced in my head, smiling, happy, alive. This was not real, this had to be a joke, Joshua was lying, he was joking. This was not real. My phone rang breaking me from my denial. The caller ID said Adalia Bay.
“Hello?” I said into the phone trying to hide the hints of my crying, hoping it was my best friend reassuring me that Joshua was just joking and that she is still here and that she would never leave me.
“Hello. This is Mrs. Christofferson, I just wanted to see how you are doing?” It was Adalia's mom. I was silent, the last of the song was playing a piano solo as if I was in a movie.
“Is it true?” I blurt out.
“I am afraid so, dear.”
Another song started playing. Everybody's Fool by Evanescence. Perfect, just perfect. A sob came from the other side of the phone.
“How is someone supposed to feel?” I asked studying my nails.
“Hurt maybe. I have to go, Capri. Good bye.” Mrs. Christofferson hung up and I just sat there staring at the puddle of tears on the floor. Would an actress still buy tears that had been lying on a garage floor?
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